Empathetic communication to help your child navigate the ups and downs of friendship

Over the weekend, I was commiserating with a friend as she described the friendship difficulty her grade 8 daughter was experiencing. The complexity of adolescent relationships and the intensity of social dynamics at that stage of life had played out at their dinner table for weeks on end. I did my best to empathize and offered a few thoughts borne out of experience both as an educator and a mother, but I know how tough it can be to support a child when a friendship is ending (or needs to end) and emotions are running deep. At times like these, it’s important to remember that listening with compassion is the most important thing we can do as parents. 

Sometimes the friendship we see is one we hope our child will bring to a close. We may view it as lopsided or unhealthy and believe it does more harm than good. Sometimes the relationship we worry about might be kinder, more balanced and more positive than we realize, which means we need to step back and let it evolve on its own. Other times, the friendship is toxic but ending it also brings risks – a much more complicated situation to help our child navigate but one that parents should not ignore.

Clinical psychologist and author Dr. Lisa Damour talks at length about challenges  in relationships and offers suggestions for parents to help their child navigate perilous situations that range from longtime friendships that end in tears to romantic adolescent relationships that become unhealthy. I encourage families to listen to this episode of her Ask Lisa: The Psychology of Parenting podcast. 

The most important takeaway from Dr. Damour’s advice that I apply in my own work with students is the need for ongoing and open communication as empathetic listeners. It’s part art, part skill and something we can learn. Empathetic listening creates a safe space that helps our child share what they are experiencing, and prevents us from trying to fix, force or tell our children what to do. Listening with empathy and without judgement, asking gentle questions to engage our child in grappling with difficult experiences, and reflecting back what we hear are foundational to building healthy patterns of communication. I recommend practising these techniques in day-to-day situations or small dilemmas as a way to strengthen the conversational muscle. This can equip us with the patterns of being neutral listeners so that we are better prepared to help our children when they face more pressing concerns or come to us in times of crisis.

Childhood friendships are hard. Teenage relationships are harder. With support, acceptance and practice, it is possible for families to navigate the challenges together. 

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