Learning to ask for help can take your children far

Why is it that asking for help can feel so daunting? What is it that makes us believe we can (or should) be able to do it all alone? Perhaps we’ve been conditioned to think that accepting help is an admission of failure or a sign of weakness. Perhaps we believe subconsciously that we’re not worthy of the help we need. Regardless, reaching out to others for support is an important life skill that should be cultivated in children from an early age and modelled by the adults who care about them. 

Current research summarized in Scientific American found that children as young as seven become afraid to ask for help in school because they are worried it could make them look incompetent. The pressure of appearing perfect, of not being called “dumb” weighs heavily on young minds and acts to stifle risk-taking, seeking help and the acquisition of knowledge. This self-perpetuating phenomenon becomes an unfortunate cycle: I need help to become more competent but if I ask for help I will be seen as incompetent so I won’t ask for help but then I render myself the very thing I am afraid of being –  incompetent. What a conundrum! 

As parents, we can help our children realize that asking for help is a skill that will take them far. Former U.S. President Barack Obama does it. His advice: "Don't be afraid to ask questions. Don't be afraid to ask for help when you need it. I do that every day. Asking for help isn't a sign of weakness, it's a sign of strength." Singer Demi Lovato does it. Her take: "The best advice I can give to anyone going through a rough patch is to never be afraid to ask for help." As the principal of this school, I ask for help on an ongoing basis. My first few weeks in the school, for example, saw me ask students for help frequently as I valiantly navigated (with limited success) the six floors of a new building. During this month’s F1 parent breakfasts, I asked parents to help me better understand the experience of our newest students and to share ways they believe we can do better. Throughout the course of my career, I have cultivated a network of colleagues and mentors who are my sounding board when I need help with a difficult decision. Without help, I am less effective, less wise and less able to help others.

It’s important at UTS, in a culture of high performance and competition, that we reframe how we think of help. Researcher and author Brené Brown believes that, “[asking] for help is a power move. It’s a sign of strength to ask and a sign of strength to fight off judgement when other people raise their hands. It reflects a self-awareness that is an essential element in braving trust.” What a more useful way of thinking – asking for help is an effective strategy, a power move that leads to success. 

I will finish off by (rather suitably) asking for help. I encourage all the adults in our UTS community to help me model the benefit of reaching out in times of need, of calling on friends and colleagues to make our work better, of leaning on others when the stress mounts. Let’s be deliberate in our modelling and explain the value of what we’re doing to our students and children. Let’s all adopt the new “UTS power move” of asking for help. The benefits will be immeasurable.

#fosteringbrilliance